Tuesday

Today I had a check up with my oncologist and everything is going well. I asked my doctor why I was only getting the 3 chemo drugs and he let me know there has been a nationwide shortage of the 4th drug but I will be getting it tomorrow. He said that specific drug might not even make much of a difference and can damage the lungs. When I get the PET scan I'll also be doing another lung test to make sure it isn't negatively affecting me.

Sam had his sinuplasty and the procedure went well. He looks miserable though. He was coughing up blood and bleeding from his nose for a while. He's finally resting and comfortable. He'll need to stay home from work tomorrow because he's going to have drainage and won't be able to do physical activity.

So, the other night I needed to take a shower. Normally Sam would help me because I had gotten light headed the last time but he wasn't feeling well. When I was washing up I finally felt where my port is and began to have a little panic attack. I have anxiety disorder so panic attacks are not something new. The thought of the chunk of plastic in me really freaked me out. I know it sounds crazy but touching the triangular peice where the needle goes in made me so uncomfortable. I was able to calm myself down but then I got really light headed. I decided I should probably get out of the shower before it got worse but I almost fell when I was stepping out so I sat down on the floor. All of a sudden I couldn't hear anything but a deafening ringing in my ears. My vision was going in and out and I was completely helpless. I sat there hoping Sam would come find me but knowing that he wouldn't. I was terrified and unable to control my own body. After what seemed like and eternity my vision and hearing came back but I was so freaked out I ended up having another panic attack. The whole ordeal probably lasted 15 or 20 minutes. I found out from the Facebook support group I'm part of that this is something normal which was very relieving. All in all I'm lucky to only have these symptoms and not be in agony like some patients.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer