Ughhh

So shortly after my chemo #4 post nausea slowly crept up on me. I took one of the nausea pills prescribed by my onc and it gave me an awful headache. I finally was able to fall asleep and felt much better in the morning. When I woke up my face was really hot and red but the rest of me was cold which was very frustrating. I needed blankets to keep me warm but my face just got hotter- Ugh!
We got a new puppy almost 3 weeks ago and when we finally were able to get a vet appointment they told us she had scabies. It's basically a mite that chews up the puppy and leaves her with really scaly, dry skin. Humans can get scabies too although it's not the same as the dog scabies. I ended up with a rash under my boobs but above my stomach(diaphragm area). At first it was just some bumps and minor itching but is now very, very red and itches occasionally.
This evening I kept getting really light headed and couldn't stand up for long. I think I wasn't staying hydrated enough and just not allowing myself to take it easy. I'm trying to get the last minute stuff done for our Halloween costumes but it just seems impossible. I'm so worn down and I'm kind of afraid to admit it. I'm tired. Physically, emotionally just exhausted. I need to realize it's okay to rest and recouporate after getting my treatment. I need to listen to my body more. It's okay to rest- that doesn't mean I'm letting cancer beat me.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Chemo #4

So I'm awful and completely forgot to post after chemo #3. It went well except for my port getting clogged and having to flush it out before we started.
Today was chemo #4 and again my port was clogged. Clearing it adds about 35 minutes to the treatment which isn't so bad. There was a woman  there who was getting her second treatment and had an allergic reaction. She was in a lot of pain and felt like she couldn't breathe. The nurses and doctor acted quickly to make her comfortable. I felt so bad for her and it made me really appreciate how smoothly things are going for me. I've been exhausted and sore all over but that is nothing compared to what some people go through.
I have a PET scan next Friday to check my progress and I really hope it comes back clear. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but still stay positive. Alex comes to visit that day and I can't wait to see him! It will be good having a friend around since I don't really have any here. I met an amazing woman on Facebook who is battling breast cancer while pregnant. I can't even imagine how hard that must be on her but she seems so positive. I hope we can get together and some point and hang out! Today I also reached out to someone from back home who also has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He's actually the CEO of the company I used to work for. I was friends with his brother but never really had a connection to him before. It's awful that we're both in this situation but it's nice having someone from home who is going through the same thing. I really hope we keep in contact!
Someone on my online support group asked if other people think about how they ended up with HL (Hodgkin's Lymphoma). It's something I think about a lot. I know it's not productive to dwell on but I'm still very curious. Many people in the group explained that their doctors suspected it was from exposure to chemicals. Many people either lived near farms where pesticides were sprayed, lived near chemical plants or worked with chemicals. I thought back and couldn't think of any dangerous chemicals being used near me. I've never even touched a bottle of 'Round-up'. I grew up with some of the cleanest air and drinking water there is! I wracked my brain for days before the thought finally came to me... maybe it's from the 15 years of using box hair dye. I've been dying my hair since I was about 10. I would dye my hair several times a year and think nothing of it but there are so many crazy chemicals in box hair dye. I'll probably never know what caused my cancer but it has definitely opened my eyes to all the unnecessary crap we put in and on our bodies.
I'm having trouble remembering all the things I wanted to say so I'll make another post later or tomorrow.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

late post

I have been meaning to post for a while but I keep forgetting. I look at my computer and say "I need to do a blog post later" and then later comes and I completely forget or it's 10 and I just want to go to bed. This "chemo brain" is real. I sometimes just completely go blank and forget what I was going to say or forget someones name for a second. It's especially bizarre for me because Sam is so forgetful and I'm always the one having to remembering things for him. I've also been having a lot of trouble sleeping. It takes HOURS for me to fall asleep and then I'll wake up randomly and be up for hours trying to go back to sleep. I've always had issues with insomnia but it's especially frustrating right now because I'm physically exhausted after doing things that were no big deal before. Going to the grocery store has me needing a nap but I can't sleep.

A few days ago my mouth was really painful. I had a few sores and no matter what I ate or drank it burned and would send pain shooting into my jaw and sometimes ears. It went away the next day thankfully although, I still have some sores. They aren't really painful anymore and as long as I stay hydrated my mouth is okay. I'm just so glad this is all I have to deal with so far.

My hair is starting to fall out. If I rub my head a lot of hair comes out and my head is getting patchy. Buzzing it helped because it's making the loss a little less dramatic but it still sucks seeing my hair slowly go away. There are many great things about not having hair though. Here is a little silver lining list:
1. Don't have to spend money on shampoo and conditioner
2. Don't have to brush it
3. Can drive with the windows down and not look crazy after
4. Soooo much less hot
5. Hair doesn't get tangled in my sunglasses when I wear them on top of my head
6. Jude can't pull it
7. My sleep mask doesn't slide off or get tangled

I've tried to find new ways to feel feminine now that I am losing my hair and I decided to start wearing makeup. One of my very best friends since I was a youngin', Amy, has been helping me figure out what I need and the best brands to buy. I text her while I'm at the store and she tells me exactly what to buy because I'm completely clueless. She also sent me a bunch of youtube tutorials to help me figure out how to use all this stuff, I discovered that I love purple lipstick! I didn't think I could pull it off but it actually looks pretty great. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and I really want to feel pretty. I've got a nice dress to wear and I've been trying to find a headband that looks good with the buzzed hair.

I feel like this whole post is pretty random and disjointed but whatever.

Here is me trying to do my makeup for the first time...

Here is the process of buzzing my head...

And here is the patchy top of my head.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer