Back issues

I haven't updated in a while about the pain I've been having in my back so I thought I'd share.
I was finally able to get in to see a spine specialist after having an MRI last month. When I was there I got an x-ray and the doctor went over both with me. He said my fractured L3 had healed but I had also suffered a torn disc under my L5. This disc injury is what has been causing the soreness and sharp pains I experience! I finally had an answer and felt truly relieved. I was so worried I'd need some kind of surgery on my back but luckily all I need is some Physical Therapy.
The images of my back were kind of crazy. He showed me what a normal, health disc looks like- puffy and white. My injured disc- colorless and completely flat! So crazy that this was the culprit the whole time. I really wish it was noticed sooner so I could have worked on it and feel better already.
I've started to do some yoga to help stretch my lower back and relieve some pressure while building core and back muscles. I've only been doing it for a couple days but it already seemed to have helped a bit! Actually, I should probably go do some right now.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer.
Ashley

Moving forward

Hey everyone!
Since my last post I've been okay but my back issues don't seem to be getting better. I was really hoping I'd slowly heal and feel normal again but unfortunately that's not the case. If I turn to the left too fast or at the wrong angle I get a sharp pain and it feels like I am paralyzed for a second. The same thing happens if I bend wrong. If I tuck my left leg under my butt when I'm sitting (one of the ways I'm usually most comfortable) when I try to take my leg from under me some times I get stuck. Like I literally can't move temporarily. I really though these issues would go away but now I'm just getting more and more worried that there might be a serious issue or that one time I might really hurt myself and not be able to move. I called my PCP to get a referral for a spine specialist but unfortunately she is booked until the end of August. I'm really hoping that I can get the referral without having to see my PCP.
Every joint hurts and my body aches all the time. I try my hardest to push through the pain and not let it show but I'm exhausted. I never feel like I get enough rest but I also have to face the reality that chemo damages you permanently and this might be some thing I deal with for the rest of my life. It's very easy for everyone else to move on and forget what I've been through but I will never forget and I will never be the same. I just really hope the issues with my back can be resolved quickly so I can just move on!

Post cancer check up

Hey hey!
It has been a while but today I had my first post cancer check up. I met with my oncologist and he was so excited that I did so well! I had some blood work done and will go back in 3 months. I will also have a PET scan in 3 months and as long as that is clear I will just need routine CT scans after that!
Time went by so fast in between getting the all clear and now I didn't have time to stress about the cancer coming back. I didn't get nervous until I was in the office today but even then I told myself "if it comes back I'll take it a day at a time just like last time." I'm confident that I am still cancer free and if I had to, I'd kick cancers ass again!
Mentally I've been okay. My biggest challenge at the moment is my weight. Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a curvy girl and I wouldn't even feel comfortable being skinny but between birth control pills, steroids during chemo and the stress of it all I've gained a significant amount of weight. I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment and am having trouble finding the motivation to do something about it. I started doing yoga, using the elliptical and some weights but it's stressful trying to fit a work out in during Jude's nap time. Sometimes he sleeps for an hour and some times 2 or 3 hours so I never really know how much time I'll have. I can't work out when he's awake because he would literally not allow me to take my focus off him. I can't work out when Sam gets home from work because that's when he works out and then it's time for swimming lessons or to get dinner going. I spend my days thinking about how I need to do something to better my life but I don't know where to start. I need someone else to hold me accountable without bringing me down or having to pay to join a program. I get so stressed out thinking about what I need to do that I don't end up doing it. How is a mom supposed to find time for herself? Ugh.
This summer Jude is going to be living in Maine at my in laws lake house. Sam started summering there when he was around this age so we decided to let Jude go. I know he's going to have a ton of fun but I try not to think about it too much because I know it's going to be really hard to be away from him for 3 months. This will be a great opportunity for me to get my life on track and hopefully find a job that I am capable of and works with our schedules. So much is going on right now since we will be bringing Jude to Maine in a month! I'm excited to also get to visit my family in Massachusetts! Hopefully things start getting better soon.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Port removal

Yesterday I got my port removed! I was really excited and not nervous at all. I had Sam drop me off on his way to work at 7:20 ish. My surgery was scheduled for 10 am but they wanted me there early to do paperwork and get prepped. They didn't end up taking me back for prep until around 10:15 and then I had to wait in another area for a while. They scrubbed around my port twice before bringing me to the surgery room at around 11. They scrubbed me down some more before draping me. I got some "twilight" by IV and lidocaine injected around my port. I still had feeling when they started cutting so I flinched and they gave me more twilight. It made me super sleepy and I almost passed out but the surgeon was tugging around in my chest and talking to the nurses about dogs and vacations.
The whole thing went by pretty quick. They put stitches under my skin and then used glue to hold my skin together. They bandaged me up and brought me to post-op so they could monitor me for 1 hour. Granddaddy came to pick me up and I was feeling great. I had no pain at all but was starving since I had to fast before the surgery. We stopped for lunch at a Mexican restaurant in town and it was so good. I got some cheese enchiladas and was so hungry that I devoured them in just a few minutes. While we were eating I started to feel some pain where they made the incision. By the time we got home it was worse. I tried to take a nap because I was exhausted but the pain was making it hard. I took some Tylenol and advil when Sam got home around 5 which sort of helped. I was pretty uncomfortable trying to sleep last night but by this morning the pain was much less. It was itchy today and I'd occasionally have an achy feeling there so it wasn't too bad. I get to take my bandage off tomorrow afternoon and take a shower! Sam and I are going to a wedding tomorrow so I hope it's not too scary looking.
It already feels better not having to deal with my port anymore. I can move my neck around more and don't get that really freaky feeling of the tube moving around in there. I'm just so glad to finally be free of it all. Free of the cancer, free of the port, free of the constant worry and fear.

Peace. Love. FUCK CANCER!

Post cancer life

Yesterday was my first day on my own with Jude again. It went a lot better than I thought and I was able to clean the kitchen while he napped. My house hasn't been my own in a long time so I've been trying to reorganize and get everything to a place that's more functional for me. I'm trying to go one room at a time but it is exhausting! By the end of the day yesterday my back was killing me. I definitely need to get back on the elliptical and regain some strength but I really want to clean up the house and organize first.
This morning Jude said his tummy hurt and wouldn't eat breakfast. He had a hard poop so I thought maybe he felt bad because he drank some cow milk yesterday. He was acting really tired around 11:30 so I brought him home but he still wouldn't eat and said he didn't want to nap. I went to make some lunch to see if he'd eat it and then I heard him throw up. He threw up all over my phone and then again all over the floor. It stunk like sulfur but he seemed fine right after and even ate some crackers. I finally got him down for a nap about 10 minutes ago. I think he must have ate something weird or is sick from the milk. I'm exhausted now thought and don't know if I'll be able to get anything else done today.
Tomorrow I am getting my port removed! I am so excited! I hope that the recovery isn't too bad. I have to get to the hospital 2 hours before my surgery for prep and can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonight. I can't wait to get this over with and I hope it'll help things finally really settle in.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer!

I AM IN REMISSION

I was SO nervous going in to my appointment today. My stomach was in knots and I wasn't sure if I was going to shit my pants or throw up. My oncologist was running a little behind so I had to wait for what seemed like forever. When he walked in the room he smiled and I instantly felt relief. He told me my scans looked great and he was thrilled. A HUGE weight was instantly lifted off my shoulders and I was so happy I was shaking! He said I can get my port removed as soon as there is a spot open! I'll need to do some follow up blood work in 3 months and then another PET scan 3 months after that. I'll need to do routine blood work for a few years but that's it!
Words can not describe the joy I'm feeling right now. I feel like a whole new person! Cancer picked the wrong bitch! This still almost doesn't even feel real to me yet. It's very slowly sinking in that I'm done. I did it. The nightmare is over.

Peace. Love. FUCK CANCER!

PET scan

On Friday I had a PET scan to see if the chemo worked. I get my results tomorrow and I'm extremely nervous! The PET scan after my 4th treatment showed the cancer was almost gone but I'm terrified it could have come back. I need to do something to keep my mind off of it for a bit.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Chemo #12

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS I HAD MY LAST CHEMO YESTERDAY. I was unusually nervous before going back to the transfusion room but I got to have Sam with me for my last one which was awesome. I put together some gift baskets for my nurses and doctors and they were all very happy and thankful. Having their positivity throughout my treatment has really helped me stay in good spirits and I felt like I needed to do something to thank them. My husbands grandma's cousin sent me some of her goat milk products for the gift baskets. It was important for me to give a gift that would be useful and safe. I love love love my goat milk soaps and lotions and the best part is these goats are milked by Caroline and then the soaps are made by her. Every ingredient is something you can actually pronounce and they are sooooo much better for you than the chemical filled soaps you buy at the store. I even use the soap in the shower and wash my hair with it. There are bunch of awesome scents all thought up by Caroline. Check out TLC goats and buy some of this awesome stuff!
I'm feeling okay today. Pretty run down but so excited to be done. The scanxiety is setting in though. I'm trying to stay really positive and hope that my scan is clear and I'm in remission but I'm also a little worried my cancer came back. I get my PET scan on the 24th and follow up the 28th. I just have to keep telling myself "you're okay. It's over. You're going to be fine."

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

So close to done!

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. My anxiety is crazy and I can't stop thinking about how close I am to being done. I just keep thinking about the things I could do when I'm finally better.
I can't wait to start yoga and build up strength so I can get back to working out. I had just started when I was diagnosed. I thought the back pain I had been feeling was in part caused by running on an elliptical. It probably had put a lot of extra stress on my L3 and could have helped cause the fracture.
I know the process might take longer than I'd like but I'm excited to feel like myself again. My biggest fear at this point is that people will have unrealistic expectations about my recovery. I'm afraid I'll be expected to magically be normal again after treatment but truth is I will never be "normal" again. I'll most likely have side effects from the chemo for years to come. I've heard stories from many people in my support group about how even 3, 5, 10 years after treatment they still have symptoms. My body is weak and tired and it's going to take a lot of work to get it back to a "normal" place.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Chemo #11

I wrote a long blog post yesterday but it didn't save!
Anyway, I'm feeling okay. I woke up with a headache and kind of nauseous but was able to smoke and eat and feel a lot better now. I still have a slight headache and I'm sore and exhausted. Buuuuut, ONLY ONE MORE TO GO! My oncologist said two weeks after my last chemo I can get a mani/pedi, massage and drink a celebratory glass of champagne. My final PET scan is scheduled for the 24th and I'll have the results the 28th! As long as it comes back clear I'll be able to get my port removed and move on with my life. I'll still have to have regular PET scans and check ups to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. I can't wait to have a little more sense of normalcy! Getting my port removed will mean I can be a little more mobile and can get back to working out. I'm typically a stomach sleeper so I'm excited to be able to sleep comfortably again. I'll never be normal but I can't wait to get to a comfortable place and get back to focusing on my family.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Chemo #10

Yesterday was chemo 10 of 12 which means ONLY TWO MORE TO GO! every time seems to get harder. My fatigue, soreness and uneasy stomach are definitely the worst they have been. I've only really been getting up to use the bathroom and have had to rely on my mom to make me food. I woke up with a headache and terrible Heartburn this morning. Luckily the headache went away after I drank some water and the Heartburn actually got a little better after some chicken noodle soup. I hate being hungry but nauseous. Nothing sounded good to eat but the soup definitely helped get my appetite going. I think I'll use a little THC so I can eat a bit more. The nausea seems to subside when I get food in my stomach. That's all for now.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Still not sleeping

So the past two nights I decided to try melatonin to help me sleep. It helped me fall asleep but definitely did not help me stay asleep. Last night I even used ear plugs but they didn't make a difference. I just don't understand why I'm not able to stay asleep. I'm going to try to find some slow release melatonin pills and hope those work. I don't know what else to do without taking prescription drugs.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Today is one of those days...

I'm so tired of being stressed out. I can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep. Like, seriously, it has been YEARS. I can't shut my mind off. It just runs and runs. I finally fall asleep and in a couple hours I'm wide awake again and my mind is racing. I'm usually able to fall back asleep for a little while but there are many mornings where I can't. Plus, I need to have perfect conditions to fall asleep. I need an eye mask so absolutely zero light gets in, I need the fan on so it isn't stuffy but I also need the weight of a comforter and I need dead silence which means I need to sleep with a pillow over my ears. I look at people like my husband who can pass out no problem and I just don't understand. How can people just sleep?
It doesn't help that I had a dream that I didn't like. Basically in my dream Sam and I were supposed to be hanging out but he kept leaving and I'd find him hanging out with other women and flirting and I even found him shirtless once. I know it's just a dream and it probably has to do with my insecurities but it just stressed me out so much! I woke up feeling nauseous because I was so upset by it and I HATE it.
Today just sucks! I have to pay bills, deal with annoying insurance issues and everything just seems to be going wrong.
Just breathe. It'll all work out. Tomorrow will be a better day. Blah blah blahhh.
Sorry to anyone who read this long rant.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

So close to the end!

I woke up with a terrible headache and was so tired I couldn't get out of bed. I just layed there for hours hoping to feel better. I eventually was able to get myself up and in to the living room. I'm trying to keep myself very hydrated but it's hard when I don't feel good. Mom is making me some pasta and hopefully eating will make me feel better. This headache makes it hard to think.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer

Chemo #9

Today was chemo #9. Only 3 more to go! Everything went well but I'm super exhausted and really sore. It hurts to just get up to go to the bathroom. I'm too tired to think right now so I'll update again tomorrow.

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer