Chemo #2

Today I had my second chemo treatment and this time I had the fourth drug. They gave me a test shot in the arm and when they were confident I wouldn't have an allergic reaction they gave me the rest. I'm feeling pretty good! I have a very, very slight nauseous feeling but I think it's because I wasn't drinking enough water. I forgot to bring water with me and I think next time I'll bring a snack because I get really hungry during. I felt exhausted after this treatment and like an idiot decided to go to walmart to pick up a couple things for Jude. By the time we were done my back was killing me. I think partially from walking around but maybe also from the chemo getting in there and doing its thing.

So I've always said, even before I knew about my HL (Hodgkin's Lymphoma) diagnosis, that if I had to go through chemo I'd shave my head before watching my hair slowly fall out but I'm really struggling. Anyone who knows me knows that I love getting my hair done. I love getting it colored and cut and really only trust one person to do it (you are amazing Seniel!) because I LOVE my hair. I'm struggling to just grab the clippers and buzz it off. I know this is stupid compared to what other people have to deal with but for some reason I'm so anxious about it. Maybe cutting my hair will make it feel more real because I still feel like I'm living in a dream. I know the only way to conquer this fear is to just cut it. My oncologist said that usually your hair will start to fall out during your 3rd week of treatment, which is where I'm at now. My hair doesn't even look good right now. It's a brassy blonde with about 2 inches of natural roots. How do I just let go?

Peace. Love. Fuck cancer